Farewell

Quite obviously, you take me as nothing. I checked with her, and apparently, whatever you've been telling me are all lies, and straight to my face? How much worse can it get? All I actually want is for you to realise your mistake. You betrayed my trust that I put in you through six years of friendship. I don't know if I can forgive you, but I'll really try, and I'm willing to help you get on the right track, if you want to accept my help. All I need of you is to admit that you've made up lies all this while, to admit that you've betrayed my trust, and I will help in whatever way I can.

We're all trying to help you, but why are you declining our help? You've not only lied to me, but you've even lied to him, after you confided in him so much, even more than you confided in me. Are you aware that the more you do this, the more you're just hurting yourself? I didn't think that I'll have to end this friendship when I came back. I thought that our problems were going to be solved. I had so many hopes, but you just crushed ALL of them. Like they say, expect the worst, hope for the best. Somehow, even when I expect the worst, I still end up being hurt when it actually arrives.

I'm sure you're aware that I confide in him. I also think that you know that whatever you say to me, I tell her because I need to confirm if that's true. What EVERYONE is saying about you is the total opposite of what you're telling me. Why? You know that it just makes it harder for me? I have to choose between believing a friend that I've trusted for the past 6 years, or the majority of your ex-close friends who are saying totally different things from you. It's a hard choice, but I've chosen the latter. I think it's better for both of us. I'm sorry, but I don't have trust in you anymore. It's just too painful for me.

I need to talk to you, but I never have the courage. I'm sorry, but you're not a friend of mine anymore. I hope you enjoy your life. I'll still be in your life as a peer, but not as a friend. Farewell.

But somehow, I can never dislike you at all. I can't even ignore you. I still treat you as a really good friend, even when I think about what you did to me. I just learnt that I'm far less mean that I thought I was. I'm not even as strong as I appear to be. Why? This just really sucks for me. It's hard to even say goodbye.

I get my hopes up...

...and I watch them fall, everytime.
-----------------------------------------------
I've just talked to him, and I've realised one thing: you've been lying to me this whole time. I don't know when it started, but I hope that it's going to stop now. You tried to come up with excuses. I was blind, until today. I talked to him and realised that what you said made absolutely no sense. At least, it never explained any of your actions at all. I only accepted it because I really thought you wouldn't betray my trust. Why did you have to do that? You said that you'd rather someone just criticise you straight to your face, but the way you deal with things, I don't think you'd be able to handle it. Even he thinks so too. I tricked myself into thinking that you weren't lying. Yes, I doubted, but I still believed it.

When I talked to him today, I realised, I was just in denial, like you are now. I'm sorry, but I'm really giving up on this. When I was talking to him, he said that this was tiring. I don't believe that he was of no help, but he was a total help to me. He made me feel much better, but even he admits that this is a lot that I'm going through right now. He said that this isn't easy for me, especially between someone whom I've known for the past 6 years, but isn't trusted as much by him, and someone whom I just met, but even he says is very loyal and trustworthy. I'm really tired, but I don't want to give up just as yet. I haven't done my best, but I'm hurting a lot on the inside. Why? Maybe it's just because you've been deceiving me for the past 3 years. Maybe it's just because I'm weak. Maybe it's just because I don't want to accept reality. I'm about to let go and say farewell, but I don't know if I should say see you later.

Thinking...

I've been thinking a lot this morning. I started thinking about how I just wanted someone here to just give me a hug. I want someone to understand what I'm feeling and to explain it to me, because I'm clueless, but I don't have the energy the explain it to anyone. It just really sucks to have so much time on hand, and have so many problems that you can never solve. Why is it that I always think so much when I have nothing else to do?

I started thinking about how mama is the one who's suffering the most. She's the one with cancer, and she's also slowly becoming paralysed. Why her? When I first saw her in so much pain, I couldn't sleep, even at 4am. But now, I'm just glad that she's still here with us. Sometimes, I just wished that He would take her out of her pain, but I don't want to lose her either. Is it possible for her to be with us without the pain?

The other thing I started thinking about was how yeye is honestly very very troublesome. He always thinks that something is wrong with him, even though nothing is. Old age is irritating. I hope I don't become like that la. Anyway, Gab and I brought him to doctor's because of stiff neck! Of all things la! Anyway, it's over, and it's something we have to deal with. I'm actually glad that I don't have to live with it. I honestly feel sorry for Val and Gab la.

The last thing that I was thinking about was the misunderstanding. I'm glad that we talked it out today. Thanks for bringing it up first. I was actually very scared when you said we had to talk, but I'm glad that we did. I love you! Thanks for explaining it, but know, I don't know what to say to her already. How? Anyway, glad that our friendship is better than I can remember. =)

Les, thanks for yesterday's Starbucks! I guess I actually had the courage in me to talk about it. Thanks for agreeing to talk to her even though you ended up not having to. Haha.

100th post!

I'm finally at my 100th post! Haha. After 3 or 4 year! I'm a super slow updater la.

Anyway, thanks Les, although I bet you don't even read this. Haha. THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AND OUT OF MY BOREDOM!!! And I learnt stuff I never knew about you today. HAHA. Didn't know you studied in Brisbane. I just realised, I don't know how old you are man! And I'm gonna thank you in advance for talking to her. I hope you do :X I don't know what to say to her la, and I don't think I'll know how to talk to her about it. Honestly, I actually disapprove of how she's going through her relationships, but what right do I have to tell her that? And thanks for listening so much yesterday. I just realised that I was mostly the one talking last night. HAHA.

Finally went to Ion at Orchard today with Les. It's actually nothing much la. Quite a lot of branded stuff. Like Crumpler, Loius Vuiton, and all those. Haha. The only thing I bought there was an Iced Caffe Mocha, and I didn't even pay for that...Les treated me. HAHA. I was going to pay him back, but he said never mind. THANK YOU! Saved me my money. xD Ok, I should actually go shower...BYE!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm pissed at you. V, thanks for listening to me ramble so much today.

K, I'm sorry, but ever since I came back, you've just been pissing me off. On the day I came back, you already betrayed me. Worse off, you betrayed your parents' and grandmother's trust by using my name. You told them you were going out with me, but you were just out with R. Why? Then you said that we'll meet, just the two of us. I wanted to solve our problem, but no, you just had to tell me when I was at your house that R and A were coming along too. You know, if you had told me that earlier, I wouldn't have gone? You made me feel left out that day. From then on, I knew, I didn't have the same place in your life that you did in mine. When you started having boyfriends, you never told me. You complain to others that you feel lonely, but why is it that when I ask you:'Are you ok?' you always said 'Yup, I'm fine.' I always told you that I'll always be here for you, no matter what. But you never bothered to tell me, so I think I'll take that back. I really don't want to end this, but after today, I don't know anymore.

Today, during dinner, R and you asked me to skip session and go along. R said the more the merrier. I thought he really meant it. When we get there, you, R, and A were walking in front and talking, while V and I were a far way behind, and we felt really left out. Then when V and I went to the toilet, you guys just left us, never saying where you were going. Why? You know that we really felt like just going home? Then, at B&J, we were left out AGAIN, although we were right in front of your face. You know I felt really hurt? R, A, I'm sorry, but the two of you like to pretend to be very close to me, but I've only met you guys once before this. I'm actually not that bothered about this. All that's really hurting me is that K, I tried to tell you my problems today, but you weren't even listening!

V and I agreed, we always try to reach out to you, but you ALWAYS ALWAYS reject it. Then you complain that you're lonely. The worst part is that I'm hearing all your problems from others, but NEVER EVER has it been from you. And you still have the cheek to call me your BFF? You said you wanted to solve the problem, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS! You know how much I'm hurting while I tell you all this? And I don't want to let go, but it's tiring to try and save this friendship all on my own. Eventually, I'll let go, even though I don't want to. I can't hold on forever. When I get tired, I'll let go, I'll be sad, but I know this: I won't ever regret it, because I tried my best before letting go. You're just an attention seeker, whether you know it or not, and I really want to tell you this, but how can I meet up with you alone? If I tell you over the phone, it won't be sincere enough, if I tell you I want to meet you, I know that you'll ask R and A along, and I can't do this in front of them. WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HURT ME? I'm sorry, but for now, you're not a bff to me anymore. Unless we work out whatever the problem seems to be before I go back, I don't see how we're supposed to continue our friendship without drifting anymore.

I've just realised.

Ok, I just went for Fran's mom's wake, and I saw how strong she was. She showed me that even though you may be going through a tough time, nothing is too tough to overcome, even the loss of a loved one. I have problems smaller than hers, and yet, I seem to lack that strength. I couldn't bear to look at her mom after a few seconds, because I saw how sweet her mom looked, and to think that she has moved on at such a young age. Even her younger siblings are stronger than me. They lost a mother, yet, only 36hrs after her passing, they were able to still smile. Fran was telling me how scared she was when her brother didn't show any emotions when they were watching their mother during her last hour. I think that if Fran could go through all that, I can definitely go through what I'm going through with the strenght Fran has. I'll at least try to be more of an optimist.

Results...

So, Mama went for an MRI on Tuesday, and the results came out yesterday. It's either surgery, or slowly become paralysed, but still feel the pain. Here's the story:

Mama started to have very bad pain in her right leg, so we made an appointment for her to see the doctor. He examined her and everything, and figured, based on her previous X-rays, that her spine was crooked and was pressing against her nerves. The other scenario would be that the cancer cells has spread there, and was causing pain. Thankfully, it wasn't the cancer, but it was choosing between paralysis, or surgery.

So ya, that's basically what's happening, and she still hasn't chosen, but I think she doesn't want surgery. It's a high risk because of her old age, and also that there's no guarantee that it's gonna be fixed. What's happening is that one section of her spine has collasped, and it's pressing against her nerves, causing her a lot of sudden pain. She can't even walk to the toilet anymore, and has to use the wheelchair to get around. So I think that she's just gonna get paralysed eventually, but she'll still feel the pain. Even just a few minutes ago, she wanted to go to the toilet, but after I brought her there, she couldn't get up, and then had a sudden pain up her leg. I could see she was trying her best to bear it, but it showed a lot of pain on her face, and I didn't know what to do. Apparently, there's absolutely nothing you can do, except for the surgery, and during which, we might lose her. So I think that she's being placed in a very difficult position.

If you had to choose, would you give up the ability to walk and still be in pain for life? Or would you rather risk your life and not feel the pain? And when I say risk your life, it's not even a 50/50 chance of living. It's more a 30/70 thing. I can't stand to see her like this, but there's nothing I can do. I feel very sorry for her, but like I said, nothing can be done to help her right now.
--------------------------------------
Lord, please help Mama through this difficult time. Lord God, I pray that you help decrease her pain, and let her live as comfortably as possible. Loving God, I really hope that she doesn't have to suffer from this, and at the same time, stay with us. God, all that I really want to ask is that she doesn't have to suffer, even if she has to leave us. Amen.

If you're a little slow...

Ok, if you happen to be one of the slow ones, or if you just weren't at school today, I'M BACK IN SINGAPORE! Ok, here's the list of people that I never saw:

RACHEL OH!!!
Joy! but i already saw you on wednesday.
VIOLET!!!
CLARA TEEEEEEEE!!!! wasted your time in class...aiyo.
SHERMAINE LER! that would have been the first time i talk to you in person leh!
LIZZI! never wished you a happy birthday la. sorry!
and i'm sure there a more that i just can't seem to think of right now.

Ok, actually I really want to go out, but quite troublesome la. Mama has to move around in a wheelchair now, so I've got to help her out there. And I don't have many places to go already. I've shopped at Bugis Street/Junction, Far East, Bras Basah (had to check eyes), Raffles Place, J8, TPC. Any where you can suggest? I still have to go to Novena.

Houses I need to go to:
Cass!
AY! i need to go a few more times for sure! haha.
Joy! got no excuse to not go. just across the street. haha.
JOAN!
CLARICE!
CLARA TEEEEEEE!

Ok, I've got to go off and help Mama. BYE!

Btw, I've already gone to:
Night Safari - Thu
Sentosa - Fri
Tree top walk - Sat
Tepenyaki @ Goodwood Park - Sun

All within last week. Haha. While most of you thought I was back in Canada.

Why?

Ok, you've used me as an excuse once, why are you doing it again? You told them that you were going out with me, but in actual fact, you weren't. You're betraying their trust in you, and you're just showing me that I'm just someone that you use, not a true friend. WE agreed to help solve our problem, but WE don't seem to be doing anything. Not even myself. Now I see why it's so hard to get over friendship problems. It's not as easy as it seems.

I always thought that it was because of the physical distance, but even now, it's still the same, maybe even worse. I was going to talk to you, but then I could never find the courage to tell you. Why? Why am I so afraid to tell you? I guess I just really don't want to take the risk of having to let go of this friendship, even if holding on means that I'll constantly be suffering. Maybe even you'll be suffering. But for some reason, both of us don't want to do anything.

God, please help us get through this tough time, and maybe give either one of us, or both of us, the courage to speak up, to help save this friendship. I really don't want to lose her as a friend, and I don't think she really want to lose me either. If not, she wouldn't even have contacted me. Amen.