sadness

well, other than the fact that i'm doing very well for school, you must know that that's not the only thing that rules my life. i feel that we're not related anymore. i don't know how you look even. i only know where you live and you school. i don't know your class, i don't know your hobby, i don't know any of your favourite things. like i said, i don't even know how you look like right now. in fact, you're not the only one. i feel that all of you back home are not related to me anymore in any way at all. i only know one thing, we don't talk to each other at all! what i'm saying now is true, not like the post before that was just for fun. i really feel this way now.

Warning: Vulgarities may be frequent! Do NOT mind the language.

we've always had so much in common. we loved the same things. we looked alike, so much that we were mistaken for twins by others. we travelled together, you were practically my other immediate family other than the ones i already have. you had me over for all your birthday parties and made sure i knew your friends and weren't left out. now, i feel that you've changed, we've changed. i suspect that we don't love the same things anymore. i doubt we don't look alike either from your description of yourself with braces back home. we don't even travel together. you even 'forgot' to invite me to your birthday party last year. i feel that you've forgotten me after i left that particular day. maybe it wasn't an immediate memory loss of me, maybe it took you a month or two, but by now, i bet you forgot that i exist even.

we were so close. although we always fought, i know you love me. you came with me and on the plane you were the one who told me not to cry. that was just one of the moments you showed you truly care and love me. there were many other instances before we left that you showed you care and concern for me. you even made sure that i felt fine when he went back after his short two-week holiday here. i knew you really cared and loved me but now, although i know you still do care and love me and know that i exist, i feel that you think i don't need you after getting used to life here. i really miss your care and concern for me. do you know i cried every night when i was alone in the huge room and bed? right now, she's back but she works night. i still feel as lonely in this huge place ALONE.

we were all close. somehow, it only seems as if the only people back home that remember i exist are my dad and SOME of my friends. i bet you some other forgot i was even their friend at one point. as far as i know, only five of my friends talk to me. i should be happy right now because i'm doing really great in school but sad to say, i'm feeling the total opposite of great. my life sucks. i find no reason in living any more. i feel as if no one neds me at all. i even went to school with red eyes one the first day of school without her around anymore and did any one care? no. all my friends seemed to have not noticed that i really wasn't myself that day. maybe because i'm always too quiet but at least two of you should have realised that i wasn't cheery or happy at all. well, at that time, none of you knew my problems at all. now, you know my problems but when i try telling you, you always seem to take it as if it happens everyday to every normal person. i figured that you didn't understand what i was going through. see why i find no reason of my life anymore? put it this way, you're out of the country for half a year and your relatives don't even want to wish you a happy birthday, merry christmas, happy new year, or gong xi fa cai, let alone your IMMEDIATE family. if i'm really that transparent to everyone, i guess it won't matter if i dissappear right?

i somehow thought that i'd have a good talk with her when she came back. apparently, 2 days after she came back, she was to start work. she always work night shift. i always come home to a quiet house with just her sleeping and a dog and cat. the only time i see her awake is when she's preparing dinner or sending me to school, occasionally fetching me from school. you work so much and it's always at night. i spend so little time with you but i know your pressure.

you are home and you've got a good pay. you knew the consequences of moving us here. now you're saying that we're spending too much money on clothes when we're f***ing freezing here. then you say that we are NOT to go back. it's not like you can rule my life jerk. it's MY life! I rule it the way I want to! you are NOT the one to tell me when i should go back and when i shouldn't. bad enough you FORCED the whole family here. you let them go back but once again, i'm FORCED to stay? wth is you problem. this is not the life that I want. it's the one that YOU want. none of us agreed and from what's happening, none of us are going to agree soon or maybe we will NEVER agree. this was YOUR choice. not ours. when i say this, i'm positive the others are thinking the same thing. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO RULE ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE! M.Y.O.F.B. these are words that i really mean. i'm positive that i'm never going to take them back. oh, and if you're wondering abt my studies, i suggest that you NEVER EVER FORCE ME TO STUDY if not you'll start seeing tear stains on ALL MY FKING NOTES! i don't care if you're not satisfied with my marks. i NEVER EVER promised honour roll or straight As before and i'm NEVER EVER going to promise that. it's stupid. i really don't care abt the fact that i'm not doing as well as YOU expect. just fking realise that i'm STILL TRYING to get used to it. i NEVER PROMISED that i'd get used to life here. nor did i promise to stay. i just said that i'd wanna TRY for ONE YEAR.

there's more i'd like to say but it's just not going to be good language at all. for the paragraphs describing people, they're all different people. once again, don't mind the language. Sorry to everyone reading this. you had to endure a really long post with loads of dirty stuff. take this as a way that i express my feelings when i don't want to tell it to anyone. in fact, if i don't update soon, i may never update anymore. i can't see my future at all. i can only see the week ahead and no further anymore.