parting...

i couldn't sleep. you know why? the reason was you. not just one of you but a few. we've all not spoken since we parted.

you looked like you didn't care that we were leaving. that hurt and it still does. i know that you care that we left. you even admitted that you miss all of us but it still hurt that you weren't willing to show your care. well, i won't dwell on the past. right now, you're practically ignoring me. you see me online but you don't talk to me. you start the webcam for our grandma to talk with my mom but you don't come and say hi to us. that hurt me even more. the fact that you know i'm there but still not say anything to me. that really hurt. i've found out more about you. but that was through reading your posts and your friends posts. you never even informed me about your blog. i don't inform you about mine. you never told me anything. i have totally no idea who you are now. maybe i'm the one that's changed. but i think you've changed too. and you've changed a lot more than me. we were as close as siblings. then it came to this point when i was still back there but you rarely talked to me even on our weekly dinner as a family. you just greeted me and went back to using the computer or studying. even when my dad was doing tuition for both of us alone you didn't talk to me. you just sat there. it's scary. i'm trying to figure out if i'd done something wrong that's made you hate me. i'm scared that i've hurt you but never realised it. you never tell me anything so i don't know. i'm just scared that my actions are the reason you don't talk to me.

you left me alone and you said take care. you didn't even allow me to see you off. i figured you just didn't want to make leaving harder on both of us. well, you got back and you never told me anything. not even the fact that you were home safe. i didn't see you online for really long and i got worried. you finally came on one day but never said anything to me. you were the one who said that we MUST keep in contact and not forget each other. how am i to forget you if the only thing i do is come home, study, use the computer, and think of everyone back home? unlike you. you had all your friends to fill your minds. i bet that there are just time when you totally forget about me. not just you. everyone. you don't realise how lonely i am do you? do you know that i've got no one here? do you know that i can call no one a true friend here? i only have one immediate family member here. when i see her, she's sleeping most of the time. you seem like you've forgotten me. i don't even know what you're doing back home.

it seems like everyone is forgetting me. i feel like i've hurt people so much that they want to ignore me. yet when i look back, i don't see that they're hurt. maybe they were but they just didn't tell me. i'm really scared that i've hurt people without meaning to and they just ignore me and not tell me that i've hurt them so that i can apologise. if i hurt you guys in anyway that makes you not want to talk to me, you've really got to tell me. i'm really sure that i most probably didn't mean to hurt you. it could have been a joke or something but i'm really sure that it wasn't meant to hurt anyone. i'm really really sorry if i'd hurt anyone. please tell me if i'd hurt you. i feel that i'm hated my everyone. including family. i'm getting tired of not talking to any of you. i've not even wished you all a happy new year. i still owe birthday wishes to some. i really hope you'll talk to me so that i can give you your wishes. well, i should be sleeping now so, nights.