guilt...

i'm back and guilty for a lot of things...firstly, i'm guilty of reading stuff i shouldn't...then it's doing stuff i shouldn't...then it's watching stuff i shouldn't...then saying stuff i shouldn't...i've broken my lenten promises already...i'm really sorry Lord...i really tried my best to keep them but it's really hard to resist satan when he's everywhere tempting us...i thank you for giving me the chance to join a bible study group that really helped me realise that it's true that satan is around and he really does posses people...you've taught me that it's really seldom that he does that and it's really more of depression that is seen in "possessions". i really loved it when uncle phil and uncle andrew were sharing their experiences of having to deal with these situations that seems often to me. i'm really guilty right now but i'm to scared to go for confession now...oh help me Lord! i realise that i've always been scared of you...which i thought i never was...but now i know that i really fear the Lord especially when i'm filled with guilt that i really don't know how to get off my chest although i really want to. i'm stuck in what i'd like to call a Christian Crisis! i fear the Lord although i know that he's loving and forgiving just like the song...

'Loving and forgiving are You, o Lord
Slow to anger, rich in kindness
Loving and forgiving are You'

sorry i really had to type that out. oh i've actually got some song dedications for my friends.

For my friends I had to leave behind, just remember that I've not forgotten any of you. I found this in one of our campfire songs. I dedicate this portion of a song, the last verse of 'Pass It On', to all my friends.

"I wish for you my friend,
This happiness that I've found.
You can depend on Him
It matters not where you're from.
I'll shout it out from mountain top,
I want the world to know,
The Lord of love, has come to me,
I want to pass it on."

This is also another campfire song for every single person I know that I had to leave behind. Trust me, I really have not forgotten any of you! I can still remember some of your phone numbers too! Well, this is the song 'Linger'. It actually expresses my true feelings.

"Hmmm . . . I want to linger here.
Hmmm . . . A little longer here.
Hmmm . . . A little longer here with you.

Hmmm . . . It's such a perfect night.
Hmmm . . . It doesn't seem quite right.
Hmmm . . . It is our last night here with you.

Hmmm . . . And here comes September.
Hmmm . . . I will remember.
Hmmm . . . Our camping days and friendships true.

Hmmm . . . And as the years go by.
Hmmm . . . I think of you and sigh.
Hmmm . . . It's just goodnight and not goodbye.

The first verse is really what I felt before I left all of you behind. Before I left my past behind. I really wanted to stay on. To have stayed on with all of you could only be a dream that would never come true.

The second verse was more for when I was with my sister and her friends and we stayed up through the night and spent time together. It was such a pity that I just got to know her friends then and we were just about to leave the country for good. It was really a perfect night. It was neither hot nor cold and we were having fun. I felt that I shouldn't have been there too as it was my sister's friends and not mine. I should have been sleeping but my sister knew I simply couldn't sleep. We were both really sad. It was really our very last night with everyone.

The third verse is when September was coming and I was to start school here. When I entered my class where I really knew no one, I felt like I was back in the Secondary One orientation where I knew only so few people in my class. Except for the fact that here, I knew practically no one. I went back home that day and I really recalled the P5 Adventure Camp that was some time in February '05 if I'm not wrong. Of course, there was also the totally unforgettable Sec 1 Orientation Camp.

Well, the last verse is what I feel right now. As time goes by, I've always been thinking of home. It was funny how I once thought of home and the song 'Your Heart Will Lead You Home' came on my MP3. There was this one line that it etched in my head now:"They say home is where the heart is." I really miss all of you. I really think of it as just a short period of parting but I have this feeling that we'll all meet again.

It's actually funny how all the kids' shows have moral in them. I was just watching 'Maya and Miguel' this afternoon because there was really nothing to watch. It was talking about making decisions. There are two lines that are etched in my head now.
"Your decisions should make you happy."
"You should make your choices from the bottom of your heart."
They may not be the exact words but this is the message I recieved from two different lines. Well, if that's really true, that I'm really messed up. I chose to obey my parents thinking that they know what's best for me. But I can't honestly say I love it here. At the same time, I really don't hate it either. I'm neutral. If I was given the choice, I'd really go back for good. Well, I really hope I've made the right choices. It's ironic how they put morals in kids' shows but kids don't understand it and still follow the wrong paths. Maybe everyone should watch shows like these. I actually appreciated this episode. It helped me sort out what I was feeling that moment. There was another episode that showed me that it's always good to love your siblings and cherish them for your whole life. I got all these from kids' shows. I still find it weird that all these messages are in the moral of the stories but we always stray. I've learnt to appreciate shows like this more. It really helps me a lot. Well, I better be going to sleep. Night all!