guilt...

i'm back and guilty for a lot of things...firstly, i'm guilty of reading stuff i shouldn't...then it's doing stuff i shouldn't...then it's watching stuff i shouldn't...then saying stuff i shouldn't...i've broken my lenten promises already...i'm really sorry Lord...i really tried my best to keep them but it's really hard to resist satan when he's everywhere tempting us...i thank you for giving me the chance to join a bible study group that really helped me realise that it's true that satan is around and he really does posses people...you've taught me that it's really seldom that he does that and it's really more of depression that is seen in "possessions". i really loved it when uncle phil and uncle andrew were sharing their experiences of having to deal with these situations that seems often to me. i'm really guilty right now but i'm to scared to go for confession now...oh help me Lord! i realise that i've always been scared of you...which i thought i never was...but now i know that i really fear the Lord especially when i'm filled with guilt that i really don't know how to get off my chest although i really want to. i'm stuck in what i'd like to call a Christian Crisis! i fear the Lord although i know that he's loving and forgiving just like the song...

'Loving and forgiving are You, o Lord
Slow to anger, rich in kindness
Loving and forgiving are You'

sorry i really had to type that out. oh i've actually got some song dedications for my friends.

For my friends I had to leave behind, just remember that I've not forgotten any of you. I found this in one of our campfire songs. I dedicate this portion of a song, the last verse of 'Pass It On', to all my friends.

"I wish for you my friend,
This happiness that I've found.
You can depend on Him
It matters not where you're from.
I'll shout it out from mountain top,
I want the world to know,
The Lord of love, has come to me,
I want to pass it on."

This is also another campfire song for every single person I know that I had to leave behind. Trust me, I really have not forgotten any of you! I can still remember some of your phone numbers too! Well, this is the song 'Linger'. It actually expresses my true feelings.

"Hmmm . . . I want to linger here.
Hmmm . . . A little longer here.
Hmmm . . . A little longer here with you.

Hmmm . . . It's such a perfect night.
Hmmm . . . It doesn't seem quite right.
Hmmm . . . It is our last night here with you.

Hmmm . . . And here comes September.
Hmmm . . . I will remember.
Hmmm . . . Our camping days and friendships true.

Hmmm . . . And as the years go by.
Hmmm . . . I think of you and sigh.
Hmmm . . . It's just goodnight and not goodbye.

The first verse is really what I felt before I left all of you behind. Before I left my past behind. I really wanted to stay on. To have stayed on with all of you could only be a dream that would never come true.

The second verse was more for when I was with my sister and her friends and we stayed up through the night and spent time together. It was such a pity that I just got to know her friends then and we were just about to leave the country for good. It was really a perfect night. It was neither hot nor cold and we were having fun. I felt that I shouldn't have been there too as it was my sister's friends and not mine. I should have been sleeping but my sister knew I simply couldn't sleep. We were both really sad. It was really our very last night with everyone.

The third verse is when September was coming and I was to start school here. When I entered my class where I really knew no one, I felt like I was back in the Secondary One orientation where I knew only so few people in my class. Except for the fact that here, I knew practically no one. I went back home that day and I really recalled the P5 Adventure Camp that was some time in February '05 if I'm not wrong. Of course, there was also the totally unforgettable Sec 1 Orientation Camp.

Well, the last verse is what I feel right now. As time goes by, I've always been thinking of home. It was funny how I once thought of home and the song 'Your Heart Will Lead You Home' came on my MP3. There was this one line that it etched in my head now:"They say home is where the heart is." I really miss all of you. I really think of it as just a short period of parting but I have this feeling that we'll all meet again.

It's actually funny how all the kids' shows have moral in them. I was just watching 'Maya and Miguel' this afternoon because there was really nothing to watch. It was talking about making decisions. There are two lines that are etched in my head now.
"Your decisions should make you happy."
"You should make your choices from the bottom of your heart."
They may not be the exact words but this is the message I recieved from two different lines. Well, if that's really true, that I'm really messed up. I chose to obey my parents thinking that they know what's best for me. But I can't honestly say I love it here. At the same time, I really don't hate it either. I'm neutral. If I was given the choice, I'd really go back for good. Well, I really hope I've made the right choices. It's ironic how they put morals in kids' shows but kids don't understand it and still follow the wrong paths. Maybe everyone should watch shows like these. I actually appreciated this episode. It helped me sort out what I was feeling that moment. There was another episode that showed me that it's always good to love your siblings and cherish them for your whole life. I got all these from kids' shows. I still find it weird that all these messages are in the moral of the stories but we always stray. I've learnt to appreciate shows like this more. It really helps me a lot. Well, I better be going to sleep. Night all!

Poems...

I wrote all these poems about my feelings when I couldn't sleep on Saturday night. All these poems have no title and proper rhyme scheme.

10th February 2008 @ 3.02am


I always thought we were close,
But that may not be the truth.
My thoughts are just opinions,
The truth may be the total opposite.

I'm lonely in this strange, new place,
You're back home with them all.
I've not been to a party here,
While you're having a ball.

You see familiar faces,
While I recall the places.
We'd gone through thick and thin,
But now, all that's in the bin.

I just want to relive
Those memories from the past.
But time just never stops for me,
It just goes by that fast.

So hereis my conclusion,
Just listen to me now.
We've changed a lot and can't change back,
I simply don't see how.


That's the first poem. I still have 2 more.

Funny how we don't
Remember the small
Incidences of help we've given
Each other. Indeed,
None of us would. That still
Does not mean that we should go our
Seperate ways. But that's what has happened.


The last one. Just to let all of you know, this is how i really feel.

Frankly speaking, we've somehow parted
And this was something I thought impossible. Well,
Mission accomplished. You've proven to me that nothing is
Impossible with God's help. I don't know when I'll
Lose any of you. I really love all of you.
You mean the world to me but I feel seperated from all of you.


Well, I've actually got one more.

Friends may turn to enemies through fights.
It's never happened to me and I'm very
Grateful. But we've parted and I really
Hate this feeling of isolation. I bet it feels the same as fights. It was
Too soon for me to leave but I had no choice.
Soon enough, I'd lose a friend through a fight.


Ok. That's all the poems I've got for now. I figured that there were some friendships I had that ended unexpectedly. I've had some good ones that may have lasted. We just sort of got preoccupied with transection of primary to secondary school. We went to different schools and just never kept in contact I guess. There was one where it ended over a slight misunderstanding that just got worse and worse. I still know the person who was trying to split us. She never apologised and claimed that she was my very good friend. I doubt she knows I know that she did it. I just pretended that I was still her very good friend until I left. I've been ignoring her since. She just doesn't realise it. I never patched up with that person because she's always ignoring me. If she wants to keep it that way I'm fine with it. It's not like I keep in contact with her anyway. I just know her contact details. Well, I've got to go sleep. Night!

CNY Parade!

ok so i went for CNY parade as chinatown. it lasted at least 2 hours. it may have lasted longer! well, then we came back. well, the parade was ok. there were a lot of cai shens. haha. and the first had a mickey mouse stuff toy in his hand! and like there were quite a few caucasions trying to say gong hey fatt choi but it sounded totally different but we all got their meaning. and cos it was a drizzle, the lions and the dragons had plastic bags covering the heads! it spoilt the whole thing. and there were even a few cai shens with ponchos too. it really spoils everything. well, there were firecrackers! oh and the lion dancers were even kids too. and there was this pair of dancers that could do the jump! it was so cool! yeah that was more or less the day. oh and we went to see a town house again but there was an age restriction so we couldn't buy it. it was super nice and it would totally fit our family. the only problems were the age restrictions and the pricing. if not we'd have easily bought it. then we went to my godma's house and went to wendy's for dinner together. and during dinner we were talking abt stuff. then she asked if i wanted to go camping in summer and i said i may not be here. then she asked y. so i said i may be going back then i very sui kana my irritating cousin that i hate must tag with me to go back AND come back. waaaa i wanna die leh. i was so happy tt i may go back on my own with no one to go and fan me. now got this irritating twerp gonna be next to me. then she want to fight for aisle seat when i want it. i damn sian leh. now myst fly with this irritating twerp next to me so i gotta survive. tt's easily 24 freaking hours with that twerp! omg! i'm gonna die! die! si! sei! mati! wo yao si! i want to die! ngo oi sei! tat boleh tahan! well, gonna finish my poster now. bye! oh if you didn't understand the previous post it doesn't matter.

parting...

i couldn't sleep. you know why? the reason was you. not just one of you but a few. we've all not spoken since we parted.

you looked like you didn't care that we were leaving. that hurt and it still does. i know that you care that we left. you even admitted that you miss all of us but it still hurt that you weren't willing to show your care. well, i won't dwell on the past. right now, you're practically ignoring me. you see me online but you don't talk to me. you start the webcam for our grandma to talk with my mom but you don't come and say hi to us. that hurt me even more. the fact that you know i'm there but still not say anything to me. that really hurt. i've found out more about you. but that was through reading your posts and your friends posts. you never even informed me about your blog. i don't inform you about mine. you never told me anything. i have totally no idea who you are now. maybe i'm the one that's changed. but i think you've changed too. and you've changed a lot more than me. we were as close as siblings. then it came to this point when i was still back there but you rarely talked to me even on our weekly dinner as a family. you just greeted me and went back to using the computer or studying. even when my dad was doing tuition for both of us alone you didn't talk to me. you just sat there. it's scary. i'm trying to figure out if i'd done something wrong that's made you hate me. i'm scared that i've hurt you but never realised it. you never tell me anything so i don't know. i'm just scared that my actions are the reason you don't talk to me.

you left me alone and you said take care. you didn't even allow me to see you off. i figured you just didn't want to make leaving harder on both of us. well, you got back and you never told me anything. not even the fact that you were home safe. i didn't see you online for really long and i got worried. you finally came on one day but never said anything to me. you were the one who said that we MUST keep in contact and not forget each other. how am i to forget you if the only thing i do is come home, study, use the computer, and think of everyone back home? unlike you. you had all your friends to fill your minds. i bet that there are just time when you totally forget about me. not just you. everyone. you don't realise how lonely i am do you? do you know that i've got no one here? do you know that i can call no one a true friend here? i only have one immediate family member here. when i see her, she's sleeping most of the time. you seem like you've forgotten me. i don't even know what you're doing back home.

it seems like everyone is forgetting me. i feel like i've hurt people so much that they want to ignore me. yet when i look back, i don't see that they're hurt. maybe they were but they just didn't tell me. i'm really scared that i've hurt people without meaning to and they just ignore me and not tell me that i've hurt them so that i can apologise. if i hurt you guys in anyway that makes you not want to talk to me, you've really got to tell me. i'm really sure that i most probably didn't mean to hurt you. it could have been a joke or something but i'm really sure that it wasn't meant to hurt anyone. i'm really really sorry if i'd hurt anyone. please tell me if i'd hurt you. i feel that i'm hated my everyone. including family. i'm getting tired of not talking to any of you. i've not even wished you all a happy new year. i still owe birthday wishes to some. i really hope you'll talk to me so that i can give you your wishes. well, i should be sleeping now so, nights.

C-BOX@!@!@!

hey. just a short note to let all know that i've got my C-BOX back with ALL the OLD messages! tag please!

sadness

well, other than the fact that i'm doing very well for school, you must know that that's not the only thing that rules my life. i feel that we're not related anymore. i don't know how you look even. i only know where you live and you school. i don't know your class, i don't know your hobby, i don't know any of your favourite things. like i said, i don't even know how you look like right now. in fact, you're not the only one. i feel that all of you back home are not related to me anymore in any way at all. i only know one thing, we don't talk to each other at all! what i'm saying now is true, not like the post before that was just for fun. i really feel this way now.

Warning: Vulgarities may be frequent! Do NOT mind the language.

we've always had so much in common. we loved the same things. we looked alike, so much that we were mistaken for twins by others. we travelled together, you were practically my other immediate family other than the ones i already have. you had me over for all your birthday parties and made sure i knew your friends and weren't left out. now, i feel that you've changed, we've changed. i suspect that we don't love the same things anymore. i doubt we don't look alike either from your description of yourself with braces back home. we don't even travel together. you even 'forgot' to invite me to your birthday party last year. i feel that you've forgotten me after i left that particular day. maybe it wasn't an immediate memory loss of me, maybe it took you a month or two, but by now, i bet you forgot that i exist even.

we were so close. although we always fought, i know you love me. you came with me and on the plane you were the one who told me not to cry. that was just one of the moments you showed you truly care and love me. there were many other instances before we left that you showed you care and concern for me. you even made sure that i felt fine when he went back after his short two-week holiday here. i knew you really cared and loved me but now, although i know you still do care and love me and know that i exist, i feel that you think i don't need you after getting used to life here. i really miss your care and concern for me. do you know i cried every night when i was alone in the huge room and bed? right now, she's back but she works night. i still feel as lonely in this huge place ALONE.

we were all close. somehow, it only seems as if the only people back home that remember i exist are my dad and SOME of my friends. i bet you some other forgot i was even their friend at one point. as far as i know, only five of my friends talk to me. i should be happy right now because i'm doing really great in school but sad to say, i'm feeling the total opposite of great. my life sucks. i find no reason in living any more. i feel as if no one neds me at all. i even went to school with red eyes one the first day of school without her around anymore and did any one care? no. all my friends seemed to have not noticed that i really wasn't myself that day. maybe because i'm always too quiet but at least two of you should have realised that i wasn't cheery or happy at all. well, at that time, none of you knew my problems at all. now, you know my problems but when i try telling you, you always seem to take it as if it happens everyday to every normal person. i figured that you didn't understand what i was going through. see why i find no reason of my life anymore? put it this way, you're out of the country for half a year and your relatives don't even want to wish you a happy birthday, merry christmas, happy new year, or gong xi fa cai, let alone your IMMEDIATE family. if i'm really that transparent to everyone, i guess it won't matter if i dissappear right?

i somehow thought that i'd have a good talk with her when she came back. apparently, 2 days after she came back, she was to start work. she always work night shift. i always come home to a quiet house with just her sleeping and a dog and cat. the only time i see her awake is when she's preparing dinner or sending me to school, occasionally fetching me from school. you work so much and it's always at night. i spend so little time with you but i know your pressure.

you are home and you've got a good pay. you knew the consequences of moving us here. now you're saying that we're spending too much money on clothes when we're f***ing freezing here. then you say that we are NOT to go back. it's not like you can rule my life jerk. it's MY life! I rule it the way I want to! you are NOT the one to tell me when i should go back and when i shouldn't. bad enough you FORCED the whole family here. you let them go back but once again, i'm FORCED to stay? wth is you problem. this is not the life that I want. it's the one that YOU want. none of us agreed and from what's happening, none of us are going to agree soon or maybe we will NEVER agree. this was YOUR choice. not ours. when i say this, i'm positive the others are thinking the same thing. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO RULE ANYONE ELSE'S LIFE! M.Y.O.F.B. these are words that i really mean. i'm positive that i'm never going to take them back. oh, and if you're wondering abt my studies, i suggest that you NEVER EVER FORCE ME TO STUDY if not you'll start seeing tear stains on ALL MY FKING NOTES! i don't care if you're not satisfied with my marks. i NEVER EVER promised honour roll or straight As before and i'm NEVER EVER going to promise that. it's stupid. i really don't care abt the fact that i'm not doing as well as YOU expect. just fking realise that i'm STILL TRYING to get used to it. i NEVER PROMISED that i'd get used to life here. nor did i promise to stay. i just said that i'd wanna TRY for ONE YEAR.

there's more i'd like to say but it's just not going to be good language at all. for the paragraphs describing people, they're all different people. once again, don't mind the language. Sorry to everyone reading this. you had to endure a really long post with loads of dirty stuff. take this as a way that i express my feelings when i don't want to tell it to anyone. in fact, if i don't update soon, i may never update anymore. i can't see my future at all. i can only see the week ahead and no further anymore.

GONG HEI FATT CHOI !!!!!

GONG XI FA CAI!@!@!@ GONG HEI FATT CHOI!@!@!@ well, chinese new year and it feels like an ordinary day. sad. oh well, guess it's like this here. oh i've got all my marks!
Religion - A (A)
English - B (A)
French - A (A)
Science - A (A)
Socials - B (B)
Math - A (A)
Band - no written (A)
PE - no written (B)
the marks in brackets are my official marks for the term. those that are not are just from the exam. still waiting for math. well, i'm glad i've got no Cs and i'm above average for all classes! i've actually got to study for my PE test for tomorrow but i'm lazy after 2 full weeks of studying! wow, i've actually been updating alot ever since the start of this year huh...i'm surprised! it's so unlike me. oh, my lenten sacrifice is a secret. i'm not telling unless you ask. try not to ask though. oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHERYL & DIANE!@!@!@ your birthdays are on CNY! how lucky...i actually have to go now. well, i'll update my marks by wednesday next week when i know all my marks that'll be on the report card! and i've got a 5-day weekend next week! i'll be going swimming at monica's house next friday after 2-3 years of not swimming! well, night all! i'll most probably update soon when i find something to talk about!

pissed and happy

hey! i'm back with a full free day ahead of me! mid-term are finally OVER!!@!!@!@!@!@ well, ok. i've got stuff to talk abt today!
1. THANK YOU JOAN FOR UPDATING YOUR SUPER DEAD BLOG!@!@!@
2. thanks to sarah for that wonderful sleepover/party you held!
3. thanks to my brain for holding all the information on all my 6 subjects with my band fingerings!
4. thanks to my parents for stuff that i'm not gonna list
well, those were the happy...now for the pissed off part
1. my dad's worried abt money when he KNEW we would have a problem like this when we came
2. i may NOT go away this year
3. all my fav taiwanese singers and bands are going to singapore AFTER i leave...
4. we may have to stay on here even though they can't come over when he complains that we have not enough money.
ok i'll elaborate on the last one. don't mind my language please! it's my only place to let out my feelings!
my father keeps saying that we're wasting money when we buy winter clothes cos we don't have enough right now. well, he already knew that when we came here, we would really have to start over and cos it's only my mom working here, we're not the best off. what's worse is that he knows that he wouldn't get as much pay here as back home and still complains that we're spending too much when he's not even the one here and he doesn't know how much clothes we need cos it's winter here. it's f***ing freezing here! if we don't buy those damn clothes then we'll freeze and die. unless you want us to die, shut the hell up! OMG i hate my dad. now he won't even allow me to go back in june just because we have 'money problems'. like WTH! you make us come here AGAINST OUR WILL and you force us to stay here when we don't like it and CAN'T even STUDY PROPERLY and then you blame us for freaking bad marks. like OMG just admit that you made the wrong choice for once! stop using the excuse that it's 'just for our sake'. IT'S F***ING NOT FOR OUR SAKE! how the hell can it be for our sake if we're not even benifitting from it? omg you made the WHOLE FREAKING FAMILY come here just so that YOU can have a relaxing life. wth, it's relaxing for you but do you know that just because their standard is lower here i'm really freaking hating maths for once? and you jolly well know that i love maths when i learn new stuff. you freaking knew that the standard was so much lower here and yet you FORCED me here. wth, i'm not even benifitting from it. even mom isn't! she works so freaking much more just for the SAME FREAKING SALARY! OMG! think of your family for once and their wishes you ass! i should stop if not i'll get worse language out so i'll stop.