Sadness, worry, mixed feelings...

Hey! I'm back again. Well, my bro just left this morningto head back to Montreal. My aunt and godma made plans yesterday to take the SQ flight back yesterday after hearing the chances of success of the operation. BTW, she agreed to the operation already and she knows the risk. The whole family just talked to her yesterday night and when I heard a voice that was so familiar yet not, I really felt like crying my heart out. I was so happy that she was fine and that she was still so happy and cheery. I'm really thankful to God for giving her such a positive feeling of the operation. She even told all of us not to worry and not doubt God as if she knew what we were all thinking at that time. I heard my other relatives voice in the background and I really felt like talking to them but I know that the reason my mom got a calling card was for us to talk to her before the operation just in the case (touch wood) that the operation fails and we lose her. It's a very high risk operation but if she waits any longer it'll be worse. She knows the risk of the operation and she knows of the higher risks that she'll have if she doesn't do the operation as soon as possible. My sister just told me that she'll be leaving in a week's time which would mean that I'll be the only one from my immediate family (excluding my eldest brother in Montreal) here. I'm filled with sadness, worry, and I really don't know how I should be feeling for everything else. I feel like it's pointless for me to care about her right now because even if she leaves us, I am not allowed to go back. Which would mean that I'll be the only one, and I really mean ONLY one, who will not be at her funeral. I'm filled with mixed feelings. Hate for him because he won't allow me to go back, worry for her because she can leave at anytime, pity for myself because I'll be the only one left here, and sadness because I know that no matter what happens, I'll only have a 1% chance of going back before my EOYs are over. I really don't know if it'll be better if I try to forget her although she's my family member and not be that sad when I can't see her before she leaves us, or if it'll be better for me to care and worry for her and grieve when she leaves us. Then there is still him with similar problems of the chances of him leaving us soon. Well, there's also the other her who can also leave at anytime. They are aging and I'm not cursing them or anything. I hope that everyone who reads this would understand that I really care for them, it's just hard for me to show it to them and that what I'm doing now is stating the facts for myself to not get my hopes to high up in the case (touch wood again) of anything happening to them or in fact anyone I know and am close to. I'm really troubled. I want to hate someone but I've got no one to hate for a good reason. I really need a shoulder to cry on now and I know that I'll not help my sister if I cry on her. We promised her that we'll not worry for her but I'm sorry I'll have to break this promise. I think everyone broke that promise. I just realised how close I actually am to my grandparents only now after I am starting to lose one. I just wonder if it's going to happen to the other or maybe even the other two. I'm not cursing them again, I'm just telling myself that anything is possible. I'm writing this in the middle of the night for one reason: I don't want to tell my sister of the worry I have for her if not she'll worry abt both me and her and I don't want her to see me crying for her if not she'll also want to cry with me. I really need a shoulder even if I can just lean on it. I feel lonely now. My mother has gone back home, my brother has gone back to Montreal, my aunt and godma has gone back home, my sister will be going back to her dorm in uni, my cousin and uncle leaves the house early in the morning and come back just in time for dinner. I'm left alone in the house for the whole day. I can't cook either. So my lunch for school and home will always be bread, bread, and more bread. I may not even have proper dinners. I feel like and unwanted person right now. I really don't feel like telling this to my friends because I feel like a burden to people who pity me and try to comfort me. Well, I've got to go sleep.